Counseling 101

Some days I feel like a counselor. I have had days when people were literally lined up outside my office at the literacy center to talk to me about their problems (not financial problems, that's another function altogether).

Today I went to the office thinking that I would have a quiet day working on end-of-the-year bookkeeping. Just as I was preparing to sit down and get to work, the housekeeper comes in and says, "Haddy has been fighting with her husband and brother-in-law all morning. You should go talk to her. She might listen to you." Since Haddy is a young woman that I often help with her problems, financial and otherwise, I went.

It was interesting to watch how Gambians counsel in these situations. Most of the advice given was along the lines of, "Be patient. This too shall pass." As the various ladies gave their advice and told of problems that they had had in their marriages, it underscored for me the powerlessness of women in this culture. All of these women had been beaten and verbally abused by their husbands for silly reasons or no reason at all. They figure since they experienced it and lived through it, Haddy can too. They warned her that if she leaves her husband, she won't be better off. They tell her to think of her children, particularly her boys and stay for their sake. In this culture, the women own the girls and the men, the boys. So in this case, if she leaves, her girls go with her and the boys stay with her husband. Without their mother in the compound, they are likely to be neglected, if not mistreated. Their paternal grandmother is there, but she won't live forever.

I, coming from a western culture, have trouble telling her to stay in an escalatingly abusive marriage. My main advice to her continues to be to be quiet when someone starts yelling or insulting her and run if she's in physical danger. I have also told her to pray for her husband. She continually asks me to pray for her. She is trying to convince her family to intervene, which is her only hope of getting out of this situation, but they are dragging their feet.


This is a situation that requires more wisdom than I have. As all of us talked, Haddy settled down and agreed not to answer back when her husband or his brother insult her. Pray for the husband to have a change of attitude and for Haddy to be safe as she submits to her husband. Just minutes after I left Haddy's house, she arrived in my office. Her brother-in-law had waited until everyone left and then started insulting her again. She didn't answer him and when she couldn't take any more she came running to hide out in my office for a while. Fortunately, her mother-in-law, who loves Haddy and knows her sons' character, arrived home from her trip before I left the office. She will be a refuge for Haddy.

Just another day at the office!